By Sarah-Jayne Duryea, Principal Psychologist | Happy Minds Psychology Geelong
Introduction
Surrogacy is one of the most extraordinary human experiences — a journey of trust, courage, and compassion shared between people who come together to create life. Yet because it involves deep emotion, vulnerability, and interdependence, it can also be psychologically complex.
For many intended parents and surrogates, the bond that forms is strong and life-changing. But when that connection becomes shaped by distress, imbalance, or unresolved emotional needs, it can develop into what psychologists call a trauma bond.
At Happy Minds Psychology Geelong, we specialise in surrogacy counselling and trauma-informed support for surrogates, donors, and intended parents across Australia. Understanding trauma bonding in surrogacy is not about blame — it’s about helping everyone involved build safe, healthy, and enduring relationships.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond is an intense emotional attachment that forms when connection and distress occur together repeatedly (Dutton & Painter, 1993). In surrogacy, it may appear when emotional reliance, anxiety, and gratitude intermingle.
For example:
- A surrogate may feel responsible for soothing the intended parents’ worries.
- Intended parents may depend on the surrogate’s reassurance to manage their fear after previous fertility losses.
This blending of connection and distress can create a powerful attachment that feels loving yet emotionally draining — a cycle of closeness rooted in fear of loss rather than trust.
Why Surrogacy Creates Such Emotional Intensity
Several factors make emotional bonds in surrogacy especially strong:
- Dependency: Intended parents rely on the surrogate’s body and care.
- High stakes: Many have faced infertility or grief before surrogacy.
- Hormonal changes: Pregnancy hormones heighten empathy and attachment.
- Rapid role transition: The surrogate’s caregiving role ends suddenly at birth.
These dynamics can foster extraordinary empathy and connection — but without clear boundaries and professional guidance, they may drift into emotional entanglement.
How Trauma Bonds Can Appear in Surrogacy
- Over-identification or self-sacrifice – A surrogate pushes through pain or fatigue to meet perceived expectations.
- Emotional caretaking – She suppresses her own needs to protect the intended parents from distress.
- Over-involvement by intended parents – Frequent check-ins or pressure for constant updates increase emotional intensity.
- Difficulty separating post-birth – Grief or identity confusion arises when boundaries blur.
- Reactivation of old wounds – Past losses or trauma resurface for any party, deepening dependency.
Healthy Bond vs Trauma Bond
So what does a trauma bond look like in comparison to a healthy connection in surrogacy?
| Healthy Connection | Trauma Bond |
| Rooted in mutual respect and autonomy | Rooted in guilt, obligation, or fear of loss |
| Clear boundaries and roles | Blurred boundaries; emotional caretaking |
| Communication feels open and flexible | Communication feels pressured or fused |
| Relationship evolves naturally after birth | Separation triggers distress or resentment |
Why Trauma Bonds Go Unnoticed
Trauma bonds can look like devotion, loyalty, or even love. A surrogate might say, “They’re like family,” while intended parents may describe her as “part of us forever.”
These expressions often reflect genuine affection — but sometimes also emotional over-reliance. In surrogacy counselling, psychologists explore whether attachment is secure and reciprocal, or anxious and compensatory (Imrie & Jadva, 2014; van den Akker, 2017).
Because gratitude and positivity are so central to surrogacy culture, discomfort can feel taboo to discuss. Yet acknowledging these emotions is essential to ethical, trauma-informed care.
Preventing and Managing Trauma Bonding
1. Independent Counselling
Every participant — surrogate and intended parents alike — should have separate trauma-informed counselling before and during the journey. Awareness of past loss, attachment styles, and expectations helps maintain balance.
2. Name Power Imbalances
Intended parents often hold financial and social power, while surrogates hold biological and emotional power. Recognising this dynamic creates empathy and equality rather than silence.
3. Structured Communication
Set clear expectations early — frequency of contact, preferred channels, and privacy boundaries. Predictability reduces anxiety and dependence.
4. Post-Birth Support
After delivery, hormonal shifts and grief may surface. Continuing psychological support helps everyone navigate closure and redefine roles safely.
5. Clinical Supervision for Professionals
Therapists and fertility professionals must manage their own emotional responses. Supervision and reflective practice prevent empathic over-involvement that can inadvertently reinforce trauma bonds.Surrogacy work is an area for psychologists to ensure they have extra supervision by an ANZICA registered psychologists to ensure they are working ethically.
Healing the Bond
When handled with awareness, the bond between surrogate and intended parents can evolve into something enduring and positive — rooted in gratitude, respect, and autonomy.
Healing involves:
- Reaffirming self-identity and personal boundaries.
- Processing pride and grief collaboratively.
- Allowing emotional closure and re-definition of the relationship.
Healthy detachment means leaving space for each person to move forward with dignity and psychological safety.
Final Reflection
Surrogacy is more than a medical arrangement — it’s an emotional ecosystem. When empathy is balanced with boundaries, it fosters healing, connection, and strength. When gratitude turns into guilt or control, even the best intentions can cause pain.
Recognising trauma bonding and responding with compassion ensures that surrogacy remains what it is meant to be: a story of creation, generosity, and respect — not dependency or distress.
Professional Support in Geelong
At Happy Minds Psychology, we provide trauma-informed surrogacy counselling and emotional wellbeing support for surrogates, donors, and intended parents throughout Geelong, the Bellarine Peninsula, and via Telehealth across Australia.
Our psychologists can help you:
- Understand emotional boundaries in surrogacy.
- Navigate complex attachment and identity shifts.
- Process fertility-related trauma or grief.
- Build resilient, ethical relationships within your surrogacy team.
📍 Geelong | Drysdale | Telehealth Australia-wide
📞 (03) 5292 8833
✉️ appointments@happyminds.net.au
🌐 www.happyminds.net.au
References
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.
Golombok, S. (2020). Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms. Cambridge University Press.
Imrie, S., & Jadva, V. (2014). The long-term experiences of surrogates: Relationships and contact with surrogacy families. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 29(4), 424–435.
Jadva, V., Imrie, S., & Golombok, S. (2021). Surrogacy families 10 years on. Human Reproduction, 36(7), 2036–2044.
Söderström-Anttila, V., et al. (2018). Surrogacy: Outcomes for surrogate mothers, children,
About Sarah-Jayne Duryea
Sarah-Jayne Duryea is the Founder and Principal Psychologist at Happy Minds Psychology Geelong. With more than 25 years of clinical experience, she specialises in trauma, perinatal and reproductive psychology, and surrogacy counselling.
Sarah-Jayne works closely with intended parents, surrogates, and donor-conceived families across Australia, offering both in-person and online support. She is recognised for her compassionate, trauma-informed approach that combines psychological science with warmth, empathy, and lived understanding.
Her work includes:
- Independent surrogacy implications counselling (Australia & international).
- Trauma therapy using EMDR and IFS-informed practice.
- Leadership and resilience coaching for first responders and helping professionals.
Sarah-Jayne advocates nationally for ethical surrogacy practices and the emotional wellbeing of all participants in assisted reproduction.