By Sarah-Jayne Duryea, Principal Psychologist | Happy Minds Psychology
Surrogacy doesn’t end when the baby is born — it simply changes shape.
The months after birth are often filled with gratitude, relief, and adjustment. But what happens in the years that follow? How do surrogates and intended parents navigate their evolving connection as the child grows?
Long-term surrogacy relationships can be deeply positive when built on mutual respect, autonomy, and honest communication. Yet they also require thoughtful maintenance. As children grow older, new questions arise about identity, disclosure, and family boundaries.
This article explores how surrogacy relationships can evolve healthily over time — protecting everyone’s emotional wellbeing while keeping the child’s story open, proud, and grounded in truth.
The Shifting Nature of Connection
In the early months, contact between surrogates and intended parents is often frequent and affectionate. The bond formed during pregnancy may still feel vivid and significant.
Over time, however, natural life transitions occur — new jobs, new babies, relocations, shifting priorities. What once felt like a daily connection often becomes an occasional message, a birthday card, or a yearly photo.
This shift isn’t a loss; it’s an evolution. Healthy relationships change as people re-establish their own rhythms.
As one surrogate described in Imrie & Jadva (2014):
“We drifted, but in a peaceful way. Everyone had what they needed.”
Sustainable surrogacy relationships are flexible, allowing space for contact to expand or contract naturally — without guilt or pressure.
The Psychology of Long-Term Surrogacy Bonds
From a psychological standpoint, surrogacy relationships exist in a unique emotional category — somewhere between friendship, kinship, and shared history.
Research shows that most surrogates describe long-term satisfaction and positive feelings toward the families they helped (Jadva, Imrie & Golombok, 2021). However, difficulties can arise when:
- One party expects a level of closeness the other can’t sustain.
- The surrogate feels forgotten or erased.
- The intended parents feel responsible for maintaining emotional care indefinitely.
The healthiest long-term relationships are built on choice, not obligation.
Keeping the Child’s Story at the Centre
As the child grows, contact often shifts toward one shared purpose: ensuring the child’s story is known and celebrated.
Children born through surrogacy benefit when their beginnings are discussed openly from a young age. This is not a single “talk” but an evolving narrative that grows with the child’s understanding (Golombok, 2020).
Practical ways to support healthy identity development include:
- Talking naturally about “when we were all helping to bring you into the world.”
- Including photos of the surrogate in baby albums or family storybooks.
- Encouraging curiosity — and answering questions simply and honestly.
- Normalising gratitude without idealising the surrogate.
Involving the surrogate in age-appropriate, occasional ways — such as a birthday card or a message — helps the child integrate their story as one of connection, generosity, and care.
Balancing Contact and Independence
Long-term connection works best when boundaries remain clear and compassionate.
For Surrogates
- You are part of the child’s story, not their daily life.
- It’s okay to step back and focus on your own family while cherishing your role.
- Occasional updates or visits can be meaningful without recreating the emotional intensity of pregnancy.
For Intended Parents
- Communicate gratitude, but don’t let guilt dictate contact.
- Share updates because you want to, not because you owe them.
Boundaries allow affection to remain clean and uncomplicated, preserving warmth without dependency.
When the Child Begins Asking Questions
Between ages three and seven, children often begin asking:
“Whose tummy was I in?”
“Why did she carry me?”
“Do I have two mums?”
These questions are signs of healthy development. They show the child is integrating their origin story.
The best approach is truth told simply. Research shows that early, open conversations support children’s self-esteem and family cohesion (Jadva et al., 2021). Secrecy or delayed disclosure can lead to confusion later.
When surrogates and intended parents model honesty, children learn that love — not secrecy — defines family.
Navigating Distance or Change Over Time
Sometimes, despite everyone’s intentions, relationships fade. The surrogate may move away, or communication may lessen naturally.
This can feel sad, but it isn’t failure. As long as respect and truth remain, connection can exist symbolically, even when contact is rare.
If tension arises — for example, differing expectations about visits or contact — a few sessions of post-surrogacy counselling can help both parties realign without blame.
Maintaining Healthy Connection
Healthy long-term surrogacy relationships share several traits:
- Mutual Autonomy – Both parties are free to grow without guilt.
- Respectful Contact – Communication is kind, infrequent, and welcomed.
- Transparency with the Child – The story is told with honesty and consistency.
- Gratitude Without Obligation – Appreciation is expressed, not demanded.
- Emotional Equality – No one is placed on a pedestal or expected to provide ongoing emotional caretaking.
When these principles guide connection, relationships remain positive and sustainable — grounded in respect rather than responsibility.
Professional Guidance and Reflection
Psychologists play a vital role in supporting the emotional health of surrogacy teams long after birth.
Support may include:
- Post-surrogacy check-ins at key developmental milestones (e.g., toddlerhood, school age, adolescence).
- Disclosure counselling to help parents develop age-appropriate language.
- Boundary mapping when relationships begin to feel emotionally charged.
As van den Akker (2017) notes, ongoing psychological support fosters emotional resilience, protecting relationships across decades.
Final Reflection
Surrogacy relationships are living things — they grow, stretch, and settle over time.
Healthy connection isn’t about constant contact, but continuing respect. It’s about each person holding the story with pride, but without ownership.
References
Golombok, S. (2020). Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms. Cambridge University Press.
Imrie, S., & Jadva, V. (2014). The long-term experiences of surrogates: Relationships and contact with surrogacy families in genetic and gestational surrogacy arrangements. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 29(4), 424–435.
Jadva, V., Imrie, S., & Golombok, S. (2021). Surrogacy families 10 years on: Relationships with the surrogate, decisions over disclosure, and children’s understanding of their surrogacy origins. Human Reproduction, 36(7), 2036–2044.
Söderström-Anttila, V., Wennerholm, U. B., Loft, A., Pinborg, A., Aittomäki, K., & Romundstad, L. B. (2018). Surrogacy: Outcomes for surrogate mothers, children, and the resulting families — a systematic review. Human Reproduction Update, 22(2), 260–276.
Teman, E. (2010). Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self. University of California Press.
van den Akker, O. B. A. (2017). Psychosocial aspects of surrogate motherhood. Human Reproduction Update, 23(5), 595–602.
About the Author
Sarah-Jayne Duryea, Principal Psychologist
Happy Minds Psychology — Geelong & Telehealth Australia-wide
Sarah-Jayne Duryea is the Founder and Principal Psychologist of Happy Minds Psychology.
With more than 25 years of experience, she specialises in trauma, reproductive psychology, and surrogacy counselling — supporting surrogates, intended parents, and donor-conceived families to navigate the emotional complexities of creating life and maintaining connection with balance and integrity.